


Shoulda Known

by fxvixen



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Cuddling, Depression Struggles, Established Relationship, Feelings, Fluff, M/M, Soft kissing, Swearing, soft angst, terms of endearment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 00:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10547174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fxvixen/pseuds/fxvixen
Summary: He quickly composes his face to look concerned. “What’s the matter there, sport?”The groan cuts off.Hanamaki lifts his head, a few strands of hair flopping onto his forehead. He narrows his eyes at Matsukawa’s attempt of a poker face. “Never call me that again.”~or~matsuhana feels and cuddles





	

**Author's Note:**

> when matsukawa asks if hanamaki is okay with a TOE, he means a term of endearment

Hanamaki comes in the door to the bedroom and Matsukawa can practically see a dark cloud hanging over him. It’s not necessarily an uncommon thing. It used to be that Hanamaki came home in a sour mood more often than he didn’t. Now, it happens less often, but still often enough that Matuskawa isn’t rusty on how to proceed.

He tries not to think about it too much, that he’s so practiced in reminding his boyfriend how much he means to him, and that, _yes_ , he’s worth something. Matsukawa would rather not try to think too much about how it feels that he can’t keep Hanamaki happy. They don’t both need to be sad and heartbroken all the time.

And anyway, it’s not his fault, Matsukawa reminds himself as he watches Hanamaki throw his things down and flop down face first on the bed at an angle across Matsukawa’s legs.

Hanamaki lets out a long groan into the blanket, and Matsukawa laughs. He quickly finishes up what he’s doing on his laptop before setting it on the bedside table.

Hanamaki lets out a longer louder groan than the first one, and Matsukawa stretches down to rub his back roughly when his groan lasts longer than 30 seconds. Hanamaki’s groan bounces in pitch when his body is forced to shake with the movement of the rubs.

Matsukawa grins at the groans; they’re a sign that while today sucks for Hanamaki, it could be worse. Humor is probably fine.

He quickly composes his face to look concerned. “What’s the matter there, sport?”

The groan cuts off.

Hanamaki lifts his head, a few strands of hair flopping onto his forehead. He narrows his eyes at Matsukawa’s attempt of a poker face. “Never call me that again.”

“Call you what?” God _damn,_ he’s good! Matsukawa’s voice actually sounded innocent to his own ears.

Hanamaki scowls. “You know _what_.” He flops back down face first.

Matsukawa lets his poker face go and grins again. “Aaaww, babe~ Don’t be like that.” He bends down to rough up Hanamaki’s hair this time.

Hanamaki swipes at him without looking, then he whips his head up. “Stop!” he barks.

Matsukawa moves back at the sharp noise, grin fading and eyes trained on Hanamaki’s face. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you more.”

The apology doesn’t have to fully leave Matsukawa’s lips before Hanamaki is sighing and crawling up the bed to lay on it properly.

“I know,” he says. “I know, I’m just… I can’t deal with it right now.” He crawls under the covers and lays down on his side facing Matsukawa, staring at his shoulder while absently scratching softly at the sheets with blunt nails. Matsukawa slides down so he’s fully under the covers as well, and moves forward to tug Hanamaki against him. He won’t do it without Matsukawa being the one to initiate, needing that little bit of reassurance that he’s wanted as much as everything else.

Cuddling under the covers with Hanamaki is one of those things Matsukawa wouldn’t give up for anything in the world. It feels warm and soft and happy. It feels strong and delicate at the same time, like something unbreakable and so so real, but also something that needs to be protected at all costs.

As far as Matsukawa can tell with Hanamaki’s face buried in his shoulder, there are no tears, so Matsukawa buries his face in his hair and squeezes him tight.

“I’m sorry,” is the first thing Hanamaki says.

“I love you.” Matsukawa reminds him, just in case he forgot and that’s why he’s apologizing. When Hanamaki laughs in response, Matsukawa thinks he probably forgot a little.

“I know, I–” Hanamaki sighs. “I know. I love you, too. Can I just… get out how I’m feeling and then you can tell me I don’t need to apologize? I need to purge it or something.”

“Sure. Do you think you feel alright with a TOE right now?” Matsukawa grins into his hair.

Hanamaki snorts. “Don’t make me laugh right now, dickhead, I’m trying to feel bad about myself, can’t you tell?”

“Hmm.” Matsukawa gives his hair a couple kisses, then pulls away when he gets hair in his mouth. “What kind of boyfriend would I be if I let that happen?”

“ _Issei._ ” Matsukawa pulls away enough to mime zipping his lips, so Hanamaki answers his question. “I think it should be okay… Maybe just a couple, though.”

“Okay. Lay it all on me, sweetheart, I’ve got you.” Matsukawa buries his face back in Hanamaki’s hair, bracing himself for the horrible words.

Taking a deep breath, Hanamaki’s starts quietly. “I just feel like a nothing, I guess.”

The sting hits Matsukawa instantly, but he stays quiet.

“I feel like what I do… doesn’t matter, so why do it?”

Matsukawa rubs a hand up and down Hanamaki’s back.

“At work today, my boss… didn’t really yell at me? But he told me I had been doing something wrong that I thought was right and I had told several other people how to do it, so I had to track them down and correct them.” Hanamaki doesn’t sound like he’s going to cry, he just sounds emotionless and dead.

Matsukawa wishes, not for the first time, that there was something physical he could give his boyfriend to carry with him everywhere, and remind him that he loves him. He can only ever think of jewelry, but Hanamaki isn’t really the kind of person to wear it or to remember to.

“It just felt like a lot of time that I spent correcting something that… I should have known in the first place. I should have known that it was changed, but I couldn’t have possibly known because the email had _just_ been sent out.” He shifts his head on Matsukawa’s shoulder. “I guess… I just. I feel like a failure for something that couldn’t possibly be my fault, so I feel doubly bad and guilty that I’m so hard on myself. And I know that when I feel bad about myself, _you_ feel bad, so I feel guilty about that, too.”

There’s a long silence where Matsukawa is able to feel every word like a long needle in his chest.

Hanamaki starts shaking. “I just… _god_ , I just don’t want to feel _bad_ anymore. I want to be happy, and it pisses me off that I can’t just be happy with you.”

There’s another long silence. Matsukawa can feel the wetness of tears on his shoulder now, but he figures it’s probably okay for him to talk now.

“Babe,” Matsukawa uses that one because it’s kinda cringy, but it gets his point across, “you don’t have to worry about how I feel about it, because the bottom line is that I _love_ you. I’m upset about it because I love you and of _course_ I want you to be happy. But I don’t want you to feel guilty about how you make me feel ever, if I can help it, because a majority of the time you make me feel unreasonably happy to just be near you, even if you’re sad and it makes me sad.”

Hanamaki stews in Matsukawa’s words for a long while. Matsukawa runs his fingers through his hair and leaves kisses on his ear.

“Okay?” he asks, pulling away to see his boyfriend’s face. Hanamaki hesitates, but he’s stopped crying.

“Okay.” It’s soft and quiet, but Matsukawa knows he’s digesting it, trying to let it help him.

Matsukawa smiles and leans forward to rub their noses together. “I love you so much, my beautiful boyfriend, you.”

Hanamaki blushes, but stays close. “I love you, too, Issei.”

They rest their foreheads together and Matsukawa breaths him in. "You know... while you don't have to know everything about your work... you shoulda known I'd tell you I love you no matter what." 

Hanamaki huffs. "I _did_ know. Why do you think I keep you around?" 

Matsukawa grins and holds him close. 

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me on [tumblr](fxvixen.tumblr.com), i'm literally always ready to scream about matsuhana


End file.
